I sent this in last week. Haven’t heard anything back, but that’s ok, I got my money’s worth:

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark Staples. First off, I’m mad. I’m as mad as the sea and wind when both contend which is the mightier. It’s not your fault though, so breathe easy. But I’ll apologize in advance about my passive-aggressive tone. It came with my smarmy haircut and now I can’t return it, and it gets worse when I’m cranky.

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I am working on a mortgage, but the incompetence of my lawyer and mortgage broker combined have driven me to the edge of sanity. To make an extremely long story short everyone is an idiot except me, and neither one of them could tell a hawk from a handsaw. Ultimately the situation required me to print some documents off in colour, so I came in to your establishment to do so. Now, being a pretty computer-savvy guy I figured I would just stroll in there and bypass the old lady carefully counting change on the counter while telling your lovely customer service representative about her three cats and the hilarious (read: not hilarious) situations they find themselves in. I went to pay on your self-serve kiosks but there was no option for anything but a credit card. I just cut them up, because my friend Bill told me that borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. So I had to go back to the counter. The old lady was STILL COUNTING CHANGE. I honestly thought I might be in a Wes Anderson movie it was so tastefully cliché. She did turn around and apologize, but if you ask me the lady doth protest too much.

So now I’m making eyes at your customer service representative and in my head we are having a hilarious exchange about this old lady but then when I finally get up there the imagined camaraderie and rapport we had developed revealed itself to be just that: entirely imagined. I don’t think she liked my smarmy haircut. I mean I tried to smile, but one may smile and smile and be a villain I suppose. So I explain my situation. Need to print 5 pages off. She prints them off, I take a few selfies, and then she comes back and rings me in. $5.83. Now, I don’t really care. Though I did just cut up my credit cards, I still spend money like a millionaire with ten minutes to live, so whatever. But I had to make a cheeky comment about it (guessing you’re seeing that’s in my nature by now), so I did, and she informs me that there was a $3.00 ‘talking to a human’ fee. Haha, so I guess the old lady was just getting her money’s worth. Honestly, that’s all I’m doing now too. Perhaps there was even a way to pay with cash or debit at that machine and I didn’t notice, maybe there was a giant sign that said you have to pay $3.00 to talk to a human, I dunno I didn’t notice and I really don’t care. I just figure that Staples had to pay someone to read this entire email, so now I feel like I got my $3.00 worth. There is nothing I am asking for, nor is there any necessary follow-up on your part, I guess I’m just sort of a jerk. Thanks!

PS – I’m reading Hamlet. I used 6 quotes in here for kicks because I’m really self-indulgent.

Jp, a fellow of infinite jest.

So, I recently had a rather frustrating incident with a Holiday Inn that resulted in me owing my company $908 for an expense claim I submitted but never actually paid for. I know it was really nobody’s fault, but I was mad so I sent a letter. Here it is:

Maholla!

I have been going to Saskatoon an awful lot for work lately. I like staying downtown. We usually stay at the Hilton, but you guys had a nice new building so we figured we’d try there. I stayed there twice in November and I think twice in December too, so I’ve spent a fair bit of cash there. Not that that would make my complaint any more or less important, but I am subtly trying to convey to you that I will be coming back to Saskatoon in the future. If you catch my drift.

Anyways. Of course I had the customer experience survey emailed to me, but I never filled it out. Because there was nothing wrong (that’s the problem with these surveys hey? Who’s going to take the time to fill it out and not bitch and moan about something? Well, I’m sure there are people who do… but it takes a certain kind of person. I am not that person). The only thing I could think to complain about was how far away the toilet paper was from the toilet in the first room I stayed in. I have long arms, so I was fine, but I was worried what a regular arm-lengthed person would do in there. There was really nothing else about the hotel I didn’t like, everyone was friendly, the rooms were great, I fell in love with a server in the bar, to be honest I will probably come back in the future regardless of what I’m going to tell you next, but this royally ruined my day.

This morning I got an email from my HR dept about a claim I made in November for $908 that was charged to the company’s corporate card. From your hotel. That I claimed I paid. Basically, I book through a travel agent, the room is held under the company card, and then you guys take my actual card when I check-in. Isn’t this what happens at hotels all over the universe? I’m pretty sure it’s standard anyways. I’m actually fairly certain you guys even ran a pre-auth on my card, though I can’t prove it now. Anyhow, I just assumed I was charged on my personal card. Perhaps you are thinking ‘this devilishly handsome man didn’t notice a missing $908 hotel charge from his credit card?’ But honestly, the last two months have been a blur of 60 hour work weeks followed  by 60 hour marathon binge-drinking weekends then back to the 60 hour work week. I think Christmas happened too. So no, I didn’t notice.

I just want to convey to you how shitty this is for me. Because now my company thinks that I tried to rip them off for $908. On top of that, I now have to pay them back $908 because they reimbursed me for it, as I assumed it was going to be charged to my personal card, like every other time I’ve ever stayed at a hotel ever. So as if that doesn’t suck enough already (waking up and being $908 broker before noon with nothing to show for it) the worst part of all this is that there really isn’t anything you could do (at least anything obvious I can think of) to remedy the situation. When I think about possible things I might offer to a high-maintenance customer like myself, I might offer them a discounted rate next time they come in. But that’s means diddly to me, my company pays for that. I don’t care if you charge me double next time I come in, so a discount would really not help me at all and I would decline it. I thought perhaps I could ask you to discount that particular stay, as any discount from the $908 would mean I wouldn’t have to pay back the full amount to my company, but this was in November (25-29), and it was last year, so with year end and blah blah blah I don’t think your financial people would like that. At least if they are anything like our financial people anyways.

The only thing I could think of was the following. A long time ago someone told me there was a scene in The Big Lebowski where dude walks into the bowling alley and someone immediately hands him a beer and a piece of pizza. I always thought that was the coolest thing ever. Not that I would really want the pizza, but honestly that’s pretty sweet.  I’ve watched the movie a few times now, and I don’t know if this actually happens or not. I kind of don’t think it does to be honest, someone must have been exaggerating to me when they told me this. But it’s still sweet.

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So, do you think the next time I come to your hotel you could arrange to have someone pass me a beer and a piece of pizza when I arrive?

Here is a picture of Nic Cage as the Dude for your records.

Regards,

Jon-Paul Doiron

I got a response from a very funny customer service representative who somehow managed to reference The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in her response (“the answer is 42″–If you don’t get the reference you could always google ‘the answer to life the universe and everything’). While she could not promise to pass me the beer and pizza as I walked in because of pesky liquor laws and other complications, she did ask me what kind of beer and pizza I like…